Poor Old Jill

Despite my very best endeavours the judges of this year's Women in Public Life Awards have chosen to ignore my personal nomination and opted instead for a trio of inferior local government fillies sadly lacking in Jill's excellent pedigree stock. The lady on the left is Joanna Gardner, currently Mayor of Kensington and Chelsea. She seems to have been nominated by one of her titled relatives. Well we in the Liberal Democrats strongly disapprove of such favouritism at the top. That is why - when this award was announced last November - I urged all of you to get involved in putting our Jill at the top of the pile because of her conspicuous contribution to the well-being of Somerset life. So what went wrong? An inquiry is to be held at the very highest level and there may be moves to have the awards declared null and void. I, for one, am bitterly disappointed on Jill's behalf and intend to whisk her away on a refreshing trip to my beloved France where she may, at last, discover the property bargain of her dreams in which to spend a happy retirement.

As seen on TV!

I hope you were able to watch my recent performances on the BBC. Many colleagues have remarked on the way I handled myself so coolly in front of the cameras. Some have been kind enough to say that I deserve to be elevated in the party heirarchy. Naturally I welcome their support. And though it would be wrong of me to openly seek the leader's crown at this stage of our political cycle, it would be equally short-sighted to ignore any future possibilities. I would, in any case, wish to combine my rising political fortune with my important and wholly altruistic consultancy work. To that end I have been doing some homework about ideas that may well enhance our overall performance. You may have read that Suffolk County Council's new Chief Executive has already sent key staff on specialist courses to enhance their behavioural states. I am keen to extend such a policy here in Somerset among my team of Councillors. I have discussed this with our excellent Chief Executive who has unrivalled personal knowledge of sigmoid curves and neuro-linguistic techniques. He has recommended a local company who may be able to assist us.

The icemen cometh

As I write a key team from Kent County Council and the London Borough of Barnet will be braving the chill Icelandic weather to help us get our money back. I have, of course, been available throughout to add my professional advice - in English or French -and I remain on standby for the call, should it ever come. Colleagues in Kent invested £50 million in Icelandic banks. Somerset, however, has rather less at stake - just £25 million. This proves the efficacy of our Risk Management Strategy. Not only did we correctly judge that it was prudent to shed one of our key risk assessors, we were also very sensible with our resources. In fact spending on professional advice in the last financial year came to just £7. PLEASE NOTE THIS IS NOT A TYPOGRAPHICAL ERROR: SEVEN POUNDS. We followed our excellent instincts and are now up the ffiord without a ppaddle. We have spoken openly about the problems. Some unkind voices have suggested that we are talking through our backsides. I say this to them. You are wrong. We simply put your money where our mouths are.

Simply the best

There is a very important task for us all to undertake and I am delighted to be able to add a little help in this posting.

The timetable for next year's Women in Public Life Awards has just been unveiled. Should anyone wish to join me in nominating our magnificent Leader, Cllr Jill Shortland, I am happy to provide a quick link to the official form.

There is a little guidance for those who intend, like me, to put pen to paper and I am more than content to share the details that should be highlighted

· Jill’s particular achievement in her line of work
· A demonstrable measure of that achievement
· What the challenges have been and why it is they were difficult
· Jill’s inspirational qualities; how she has inspired others around her
· How Jill has demonstrated passion, drive and energy in her endeavours

Given the selfless energy and enthusiasm that she always demonstrates, completing this section should prove no problem. I am sure Jill will triumph and when she does I hope I can bend her ear about some truly excellent investment opportunities.

The Pigeon's nightmare

Pigeon Pie from Alan Jones on Vimeo.

Do Pigeons Dream?

They might seem unlikely candidates for psychological analysis,
but pigeons have given a revealing insight into how animals, including humans, can be bound by dreams and supertition. In the Summer of 1947, a renowned psychiatrist named Skinner published his study on a group of pigeons that showed even animals are susceptible to the human conditions of dreams and superstition. Skinner conducted his research on a group of hungry pigeons whose body weights had been reduced to 75% of their normal weight when well-fed. For a few minutes each day, a mechanism fed the birds at regular intervals. What observers of the pigeons found showed the birds developing superstitious behaviour, believing that by acting in a particular way, or committing a certain action, food would arrive. Insights like this are highly significant which is why I have already signed up for our wonderful new County project - the Dream Team. It is all Alan's idea and what a good idea too. Sign up now, you will not regret it. And nor will you ever regret getting in touch with me about your French property needs. Incidentally the French for pigeon is, mais oui, pigeon!