As seen on TV!

I hope you were able to watch my recent performances on the BBC. Many colleagues have remarked on the way I handled myself so coolly in front of the cameras. Some have been kind enough to say that I deserve to be elevated in the party heirarchy. Naturally I welcome their support. And though it would be wrong of me to openly seek the leader's crown at this stage of our political cycle, it would be equally short-sighted to ignore any future possibilities. I would, in any case, wish to combine my rising political fortune with my important and wholly altruistic consultancy work. To that end I have been doing some homework about ideas that may well enhance our overall performance. You may have read that Suffolk County Council's new Chief Executive has already sent key staff on specialist courses to enhance their behavioural states. I am keen to extend such a policy here in Somerset among my team of Councillors. I have discussed this with our excellent Chief Executive who has unrivalled personal knowledge of sigmoid curves and neuro-linguistic techniques. He has recommended a local company who may be able to assist us.

The icemen cometh

As I write a key team from Kent County Council and the London Borough of Barnet will be braving the chill Icelandic weather to help us get our money back. I have, of course, been available throughout to add my professional advice - in English or French -and I remain on standby for the call, should it ever come. Colleagues in Kent invested £50 million in Icelandic banks. Somerset, however, has rather less at stake - just £25 million. This proves the efficacy of our Risk Management Strategy. Not only did we correctly judge that it was prudent to shed one of our key risk assessors, we were also very sensible with our resources. In fact spending on professional advice in the last financial year came to just £7. PLEASE NOTE THIS IS NOT A TYPOGRAPHICAL ERROR: SEVEN POUNDS. We followed our excellent instincts and are now up the ffiord without a ppaddle. We have spoken openly about the problems. Some unkind voices have suggested that we are talking through our backsides. I say this to them. You are wrong. We simply put your money where our mouths are.

Simply the best

There is a very important task for us all to undertake and I am delighted to be able to add a little help in this posting.

The timetable for next year's Women in Public Life Awards has just been unveiled. Should anyone wish to join me in nominating our magnificent Leader, Cllr Jill Shortland, I am happy to provide a quick link to the official form.

There is a little guidance for those who intend, like me, to put pen to paper and I am more than content to share the details that should be highlighted

· Jill’s particular achievement in her line of work
· A demonstrable measure of that achievement
· What the challenges have been and why it is they were difficult
· Jill’s inspirational qualities; how she has inspired others around her
· How Jill has demonstrated passion, drive and energy in her endeavours

Given the selfless energy and enthusiasm that she always demonstrates, completing this section should prove no problem. I am sure Jill will triumph and when she does I hope I can bend her ear about some truly excellent investment opportunities.

The Pigeon's nightmare

Pigeon Pie from Alan Jones on Vimeo.

Do Pigeons Dream?

They might seem unlikely candidates for psychological analysis,
but pigeons have given a revealing insight into how animals, including humans, can be bound by dreams and supertition. In the Summer of 1947, a renowned psychiatrist named Skinner published his study on a group of pigeons that showed even animals are susceptible to the human conditions of dreams and superstition. Skinner conducted his research on a group of hungry pigeons whose body weights had been reduced to 75% of their normal weight when well-fed. For a few minutes each day, a mechanism fed the birds at regular intervals. What observers of the pigeons found showed the birds developing superstitious behaviour, believing that by acting in a particular way, or committing a certain action, food would arrive. Insights like this are highly significant which is why I have already signed up for our wonderful new County project - the Dream Team. It is all Alan's idea and what a good idea too. Sign up now, you will not regret it. And nor will you ever regret getting in touch with me about your French property needs. Incidentally the French for pigeon is, mais oui, pigeon!

Lets do lunch?

If you have never visited Chateau Gontier you are missing a treat. It is one of those imposing towns that never fails to captivate the hearts of visitors. I have recently come across some excellent properties in the area and with the value of the pound rising this could be the perfect time to invest. Give me a call as soon as possible. The French property scene is moving fast. Of course Chateau Gontier is twinned with our very own Frome and there is an excellent reason for popping into Frome tomorrow lunchtime. Alan Jones will be hosting a special get-together at the Old Bathe Arms and many of you may wish to have social intercourse with him. Alan is a past-master and well worth a detour.

Skol!

I have great pleasure in announcing some exciting new investment opportunities. My life-time experience in the banking field has led me to the clear conclusion that the tiny nation (pictured) is the ideal haven for all our precious resources. To this end I am advising my colleagues and friends to be brave and go where the big chance now beckons. And, of course, I am ever available to advise on any of these matters.

Blogger me!

I confess to have been completely gobsmacked by the spiteful political attacks on the character of Alan Gloak. I am convinced he will be vindicated by the appropriate bodies. This is a man who works tirelessly for local causes. Without his personal initiative Glastonbury would not have a new 3G mast. Somerset County Council invested heavily in the project at Alan's behest. We are convinced he was right. Charity ought to be his midle name. I have always found him most generous on our journeys to the Vendee. I know he wouldn't take a singe centime from public funds without a very good reason. His voluminous and chatty blog tells of his many exploits and is always up to the minute and on the ball. Alan can rest assured that I intend to back him up the hilt in his struggle against the opposition dinosaurs. His instinct may be to turn the other cheek but I believe it will bottom out. Talking of which, the cross channel property position is very much one for consideration right now - and, as ever, I am happy to help.

Hi Kev!

Alan tells me that this is a photograph of Kevin Lavery's private parts - Kevin is the new Chief Executive of Cornwall. What a wag, our Alan is ! But I hope he's not suffering from sour grapes. I did a little checking. It doesn't look a bit like Kevin. In fact I rather think I met Kevin when he was Chief Executive in Newcastle. Mind you the man has got quite exceptional experience. He's done a couple of inner London boroughs and a spell at Kent too. And he also has a track record in the private sector too, holding down a proper job at BT (wasn't that where we all heard Alan was off to a while back? I wonder what went wrong?) Anyway it doesn't matter because at least Alan hasn't lost his sense of humour and I greatly look forward to some more jolly twinning trips with Alan and that very lovely foreign lady with the name I can never pronounce let alone spell. Burgit was it? Nice smile. Good legs. Loads of energy too. I love our little jaunts. It is a golden opportunity to check the state of the housing market for my satisfied clients. Meanwhile lets all get a good look at the chap who beat our cherished Chief Executive in Cornwall. When Kevin was at Serco someone gave him a video camera. Its not a bad idea. Alan should get one too.

On his bike

It is good to see our Chief Executive looking so spry these days. Perhaps a short break on the Cornish riviera enlivened his spirits. Now he is safely back in the fold and weaving his Golden Web over all our endeavours! Well done Alan. We're glad you outshone the opposition, bamboozled the panel with your wisdom, but kept the faith with Somerset. You know you can rely on our support. The top saddle is yours for keeps. Ride on regardless. And if you should ever need a tad of advice about continental property.......

What we are really here for

My, what a display! Back from Bournemouth to Taunton and just popping in to County Hall was I, when the new array of most impressive posters graced my gaze. The theme is so apt and accurate - our splendid County Council is providing services for life. Here are smiling faces and real issues. This is no empty shell of a campaign. It cost a great deal of public money and it will not only beautify the walls of our buildings it will also inspire all within them. Providing for life is exactly the kind of ethical goal that I have always followed in my banking career. Of course I am also able to help provide excellent property opportunities in La Belle France. And, recently, I have discovered some information on a sure-fire trans-atlantic investment which I am happy to recommend. This company was formed by two brothers with vision and integrity. I think the firm is really going places

Moving the deckchairs

Those with a taste for improving foreign relations will be interested to learn that the jewel of the Dorset coast (and venue for my party's current annual conference) is twinned with Lucerne in Switzerland, Netanya in Israel and - soon - Santa Monica in the USA. Such decisions were made by the burghers of Bournemouth, but in my opinion this is internationalism gone too far. The best twins are with the closest neighbours. And France takes a lot of beating. Taunton is twinned with Lisieux, Frome with Chateau Gontier, Wells with Paray Le Monial. Truly excellent choices with first class rental opportunities for those canny souls who avail themselves of the current bargain property investments. Permit me to offer my wealth of advice on these important matters soon. You too could realise the value of twinning. As that great champion of Europe Jacques Delors once said: "Twinning schemes are the cement in the foundations of Europe. They are, first and foremost, a sign of the urge that ordinary people and their locally elected representatives feel to play their part in the building of Europe. They are, too, a way of grounding exchanges between partner towns in the rich soil of different traditions and cultures and thereby nurturing that diversity which is the glory of our continent."

Vive Cornwaille!

When I was a boy I used to go paddling in the rock pools at St Ives. The memories are as vivid today as they were then. I can still smell the alluring aroma from the cafe on the front, and feel the tang of the salt water spray upon my face No wonder Cornwall has such a magentic appeal to so many artists, holidaymakers and talented public servants. Those who peddle in rumour are now saying that our very own and much cherished Chief Executive may soon be heading down the A30, not stoppping til after Indian Queens. All I can say is Bon chance Alan! If rumours become reality you will love it there. The people are friendly once you get to know them. They accept you after a couple of generations. True Cornishmen are stocky and diminutive in stature. At least you have a natural advantage in the latter department. I always feel close to the county's heritage and Breton roots. Perhaps it is the granite. But certainly there are far more property bargains to be had in Brittany just now. Imagine Cornwall with even greater beauty and far fewer traffic jams. Imagine Cornwall where the food is always special and the the welcome entirely genuine. That's Brittany. Give me a call for impartial advice, anytime

Allo, Allo

Now here's an important date for my diary - Tuesday October 7th, the Institute of Directors' Bristol Branch Business Breakfast. Ever since my banking days I have always had a soft spot for the IOD and the speaker in October is certainly someone to help the scrambled eggs slide down nicely. My old friend Colin Port will be there to put the record straight about SouthWest One. So much rubbish has been written about this that a visit to the Holland House Hotel is well worth the effort. It will set you back less than £24 for members and a damn good breakfast it is too. For me a chance to catch up with colleagues and maybe do a little business on the side. I have it on the very best authority, for example, that a famous former ecclesiastical building in Paris is coming up for rent very soon indeed. This is one not to be missed. Notre Dame, I recollect, is the name the agents gave me. Give me a buzz anytime and we can discuss. Otherwise see you all in Bristol.

Beyond our Fen

So its off to Adelaide for dear old Mat Taylor. I don't blame him. The Fenlands of Cambridgeshire can be damp and forbidding even at this time of year. And though the Council will be sorry to lose its Finance Director (remember he's also an Executive Director too) I am delighted to hear that Mat will still be doing a sterling job down under until they find a replacement for him. It could take 12 months to find someone suitable. So Mat will get a day's work every week and pick up £20,000 a year! That can buy a lot of tinnies in Adelaide! But give the man an intenet connection and he could operate very efficiently from the moon. Come to think of it that's not such a bad idea. I must mention it to Roger Kershaw.

Blue Movie?

Just back from Edinburgh where I did a great deal of useful business and helped seal some lasting international chalet relationships too. But there I was on the Fringe when a client mentioned this movie. Apparantly it is meant to be a joke. I am not sure.

Ripe for renovation

If you have ever wondered what to do with £28 million pounds (and I know I have) then now is arguably an auspicious time to be looking to the future and subjecting your local authorities to a thorough financial makeover. I can vouch for the excellence of such forward thinking. Here in Somerset we have recently joined forces with a company of inter-stellar repute and influence. Together with our partners the outlook is positively brilliant. Savings can and will be made. Benefits of countless proportions will flow. It is all beyond the wildest expectations of most of tyou. But it is already happening. That is the good news. And here's an better tiding from my contacts in the French property scene. Unbeknownst to most people an absolute peach is about hit the immobiliers. I understand that there are likely to be some challenges in keeping the fabric up to scratch and a potential downturn from the upper balconies might also prove painful. But it oozes exclusivity and I would be happy to place a bid on your behalf for the usual generous consideration.

A good buy

Some excellent new investment ventures have arisen since my last posting. In the course of my arduous work representing the financial affairs of Somerset County Councillor and helping to spread the gospel of transformation to other authorities I have had occasion to speak to many counterparts in the Elysee Palace. It would be wrong of me to drop names, but I think readers will appreciate my reticence when they know that Carla Bruni and my delightful partner once exchanged winks in the foyer of the George V. Suffice to say that word has reached me of a truly amazing business proposition. Under Presidential powers that will, surely, soon be emulated here in Somerset the Government intends to place the pictured Versailles Palace on the open market skilfully subdivided into compact residential units. Each unit, so the agent has informed me, will be decorated to a lavish specification. This must be a once in a lifetime chance to place your savings in Northern Rock upon firmer foundations. Let me know soon, I can always put a good word in the right ear

Bonjour mes amis!

What a brave people the French are. They stand up for their rights and they follow their leaders with loyalty and passion. I recently visited the Vendee region with a delegation of County Councillors. It bears striking similarity to our own lovely county. The populations and topography are a good match and, just like Somerset folk, they are fine people to do business with. But they also know how to fight. They had a significant uprising - almost 100 years after the Monmouth Rebellion - in 1793. This was against the French Revolution, when the peasants rose up to support their religion and the King. It was viciously put down by the Republic and up top 300,000 people were killed. But for all the brutal history the area remains a fine example of investment opportunities in local property. The rising value of the Euro may have dampened demand from these shores but for those with something stashed away a punt in the Vendee may be just the thing. I can always offer the best impartial advice on these things. Just drop me a line.